I hopped over to Books & Such Literary Agency's blog, Between the Lines, on Wednesday, and I was delighted with agent Rachel Kent's post. She encouraged writers to leave a "bad query" in the comments for an opportunity to win a copy of Liz Johnson's, A Promise to Protect, and the winner will have his or her real query evaluated by Rachel!
It looked like so much fun, I couldn't help but join the party.
And a party it was! As of Thursday, the post had prompted 276 comments. Can you believe it?? Many of them were responses to the bad queries. I read through almost all of them, and I laughed out loud numerous times.
I'm just going to list some of the highlights taken from the comments--the authors are listed at the end of this post!
Dear Rachelle Kent, Rach, Hark Woeful Wastrel, Dear Kent Rachel, 'Sup, Dear Lucky One...
Repreesent, fickshunal novel, hawt guys, luv, genrha...
FROM RUMPELSTILTSKIN TO REVELATION
Hawt Amish Space Aliens Warz
FIFTY-ONE SHADES OF GREY
The Nursemaid's Caretaker
SHADES, WIZARDS, & FORKS
Harry Breaks Wind
"I found in my mamas journal..."
"Lots of fighting, blood and gore, and naughty women."
"It starts out slow, but once you get past all the back story it really picks up."
"I submitted to every agent I can find and your agency is my last hope."
"Feel the colors of the rainbow, riding a unicorn across clouds spun with
"You have until noon to confirm you are representing my new speculative
"Maybe it will be a love quadrilateral? (You help with that stuff right?)"
"Please visit this website to find out about book, bio, etc. http://www.bad-querier.com"
"It is full of plot twists like obsticals and problems."
"It’s got it all, man, I’m talkin’ a werewolf, some vampires, a nest of
"This book would appeal to fans of Twilight, Harry Potter, Shades of Gray,
Downton Abbey, and The Giving Tree."
"It’s going to be the next Harry Potter – you know, the one by JK Tolkein?"
"The movie is Jack Reacher meets Downton Abbey meets Twilight meets those elves
from the Hobbit meets a bunch of chick lit writers in long dresses, with a
Beethoven or Mozart (some old guys in wigs or something) soundtrack, along with
a bunch of stuff about drugs and I think traffic violations, with aliens (from
space and the South of the Border kind."
"It’s a cross between Leave it to Beaver and Big Bang Theory."
"This could be a classic like that one written by Harper Collins, “To Kill…er,
some kind of bird. I don’t remember."
"My writing credits include a misdemeanor charge for bad checks that should be
expunged before press time."
"I know that my vast experience on my high school newspaper will entice you to
read my manuscript."
"Once I won the 3rd grade spelling be and a composition contest in 7th grade, that
why I’m qualified tobe a writer and giveing you the honor to be my first queery
"All six people I showed it to have loved the premise and say it will be a huge
"I have just completed my first novel for NaNo."
"I know we will have more than just an agent writer relationship. We will be best
friends. I look forward to talking to you on the fone everyday."
"I can hear my mom coming down the stairs again, and I’d like to tell her that I
have an agent so I can actually sleep past 2:00p.m. tomorrow."
"If I see you representing any novels with Revolutionary, Civil War or WWII
settings, I will seek litigation against you for violating my copyright. (Notice
the small symbol at the bottom of this proposal.)"
"I know you guys are very busy, so I will call you next week. If I can’t get you,
I will just keep calling."
"Remember me! We meet in the bathroom a few years ago at a conference. I was the
one who slid my manuscript under the stall door."
"My uncle’s dead but I know he’d love it too and so will you if you actually read
it. I’m attaching a picture of my uncle so you’ll can see what a great guy he
was when he wasn’t dead."
"Please call me at my boyfriend’s number 555-1234 and let me know how much money
you are sending."
"P.S. Do you represent any real authors?"
"I can mail it to you if you agree to pay the postage. The package weighs about
"The manuscript’s up on ebay. LET THE BIDDING WAR BEGIN!!!"
"Please excuse the notebook paper and purple crayon."
Special thanks to the following bad query contest commenters: Richard Mabry, Meghan Carver, Cynthia Green, Jennifer Major, Jana Hutcheson, Lori, Heather Day Gilbert, Larry, Amanda Dykes, Lee, Ryan LaForge, Brandi Lynch, Morgan Tarpley, Heidi Timmons, Ashley Mays, Leigh Goff, Jennifer Hallmark, Josh, Mindy, Regina Jennings, Patrice, Stacy Voss, Tanya Eavenson, Elaine Faber, Sarah Sundin, Shawn Kuhn, Lynn Johnston, Michelle Gardner, David Todd, Scott. (If I used anything from someone not listed, I'm sincerely sorry!)
Please, go over and read the comments from "Bad Query Contest" if you're at all laughing at these tidbits!! I am so impressed with all of the entries! Love them!!