Most people fall into one of two categories. Either they have a hard time saying "yes" to anything, or they find it impossible to say "no."
I'm in the latter group. What can I say? I like to help people. I enjoy volunteering at my kids' school and I adore pitching in with my local writers' group, MVRWA.
Lynn at Place to Create: Connecting Stories wrote a terrific post last week about her experience at Breaknorth Canada 2011. One line in particular stood out for me. "The reality is that when I say Yes to a new task, I'm saying No to another, and pushing my priorities down."
Yeah, I get that. Sometimes we should say no instead of yes. Since my professional goal is to be a published author, I need to carefully weigh each volunteer opportunity before making a decision. Since my personal goal is to raise great kids, I cannot only weigh volunteer opportunities based on my writing.
Here is one way I aim (and never completely succeed!) to keep my volunteer commitments at a manageable level.
I write every volunteer commitment for the current year on an index card and slip it into my small day planner.
My rule? The card can only have writing on one side. When the white space is used up--I have to say no.
This helps me choose the activities I enjoy the most and which are tuned into my goals.
If you have a hard time saying no, what tricks do you use to keep your commitments realistic?
Have a fabulous Wednesday!
That's a great plan. I'm in the middle. I say yes when I can and when I feel help is really needed. I've seen too many people give, give, give out of a need for acceptance, and that's not always right.
ReplyDeleteI've gotten better and better at saying "no," but it's so difficult.
ReplyDeleteWhat a neat idea! I used to have a hard time saying no because everything I was asked to do was good. Sometimes we have to say no to good things, so we can say yes to the right things. :) Great post!
ReplyDeleteInteresting system, Jill. I think being able to set limits like you're doing is helpful for everyone, then the things you do say "yes" to you can engage in fully without as much stress. And when you have a positive experience giving your time, then you are more likely to do it again.
ReplyDeleteI love that idea! I used to be terrible at saying no. But as my life has undergone more change and transition I am realizing I only have capacity for so much. That has made things easier. I don't really use a format at the moment, just go with my gut and how I am feeling at a given time but I love what you suggested! If I find myself struggling more with this I am going to have to copy you on that!
ReplyDeleteAs I aged, I learned to say no and not feel so badly about it as I used to. I have only so many hours in the day and need to use them in the best way I can. Love your system!
ReplyDeleteThank you Jill for including me here! I'm a believer too, in physically having something that shows where you are at, when you've reached your limits. I love your idea of an index card. Even with all our electronics, I like my paper daytimer where I can see ALL I've committed to at a glance.
ReplyDeleteI love to help others, so it's tough for me to turn down requests for assistance. However, recent life changes require me to guard my time. A caring friend who knows me well suggested I draft a polite response to the requests coming my way, one that lets them know I'd love to help but can't. For me, realizing that I can't and not that I won't helps, because I would if I could.
ReplyDeleteI pray. I try to discern where my time is best spent and I'm cognizant of whether I'm already feeling burnt out.
ReplyDeleteI'm a boundary girl.
~ Wendy
That is a clever idea! Love it! I can not believe how much I have to say no to be able to write. It is a lonely pursuit.
ReplyDeleteAs Terri said, getting a bit older has given me a better handle on saying no without a landslide of guilt.
ReplyDeleteI have a fairly low 'busy' tolerance, as does my husband, so I have to keep the schedule pretty simple.
A few years ago, my schedule and commitments reached critical mass, and I had to sit down and prioritize, shed some of those responsibilities, and focus on what was most important.
Love your idea of the note-card. :)
It's hard to say NO. I have three MS's on my desk ready to critique right now, all because I hate to disappoint. One of them I have started reading. It's really a great chapter book. The others, longer.
ReplyDeleteI need to use your wise advice, Jill. It was so good to see you over at my place. How are you? We are all fine. And thanks for making me feel so good with your comment. You totally rock. (((hugs)))
I love your method of keeping your obligations in check. I think I'll give that a try. I'm in that second category too.
ReplyDeleteI can definitely relate! Love Lynn's helpful quote! And what a good idea to write down your volunteer activities and when the card is full - start saying 'No!' Think I'll need to give this a try. Have a beautifully balanced week, Jill! God bless!
ReplyDeleteThat is an awesome idea! I'm able to say no. Sometimes I feel guilty - but like you said, we can't say yes to everything without mixing up our priorities.
ReplyDeleteJoanna Kraft has a really intriguing book coming out about how her and her family went through an entire year saying no to all the extras and just spending time as a family. I haven't read it, but based on the description, it sounds awesome!
Love Lynn and your index card trick. When we make room for something, something new can come in to that space. :O)
ReplyDeleteI've made it a point to reduce my "to do" list so that I can focus on my writing. It hasn't been easy, but I've never regretted the decision to make myself more "available" to myself! LOL
ReplyDeleteIt's so funny I scheduled this post for today--my monthly volunteer day at school. :)
ReplyDeleteLaura: You sound so together! I'm impressed!
Heather: I go in phases. Sometimes I'm great at saying no, and others, not so much!
Jessica: See--I get that! I WANT to give my time because the things sound fun. But... I just can't. :)
Paul: A stressful volunteer is not very helpful. I like your point about being selective to reduce our stress. So true.
Angela: The follow-your-gut system is the best around. I'm with you!
Terri: Absolutely. We don't have limitless time. Good point! :)
Lynn: We are so much alike--I have to have my paper calendars! Your post was terrific, by the way. I loved it!
Keli: You are one of the most generous persons I've ever met. And you're right, we CAN'T do everything. It isn't a matter of won't. Good reminder.
Wendy: Prayer heals everything. You're smart about recognizing burn-out too. Sometimes I'm already way beyond burn out before I make a change. Not good!
Jennie: Yes, there's a lot of sacrifice in the writer's life. I'm so glad we're connected to make it less lonely.
Erica: You're a wise woman! I'm not good with chaos either.
Robyn: I struggle with saying no too. Probably always will! We're good here, and I miss you too!
Susan M: Oh good, I'm not alone!!
Maria: Lynn's post was really interesting. I could completely relate! Thank you for the balanced week wishes--I need them!
Katie: I can't pass up a "year without blank" book! I will definitely be picking that one up!
Diane: Oh, smart! We're making room for something new. Love that thought!
Thanks so much for stopping by!
Melissa: Oh, I love that "make myself more available to myself." What a concept!
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for stopping by!
I cringe when the word NO comes into play! A part of me wants to be there for everyone:)
ReplyDeleteLove your method to the chaos.
What an awesome idea, Jill! I've learned the painful consequences from overcommitting in the past so I'm much more careful with my time. Once young children are in the picture, that time gets cut down even more. :)
ReplyDeleteWhat a great idea your cards are for keeping track of what you've done and if you enjoyed it or not! I'm going to give this a try.
ReplyDeleteTamika: I know. It's so hard! I'm the same way!
ReplyDeleteSarah: Yes, young children take 24/7. When my oldest was a baby, we delivered meals-on-wheels together, and the elderly people loved to see her. Then, when my youngest was a baby, we visited shut-in's who had Alzheimers and they adored my baby. But I cut almost all volunteering out when the kids were toddlers to school age because it was too hard. For everything a season, right?
Thanks so much for stopping by!
I, uh, haven't figured out to say "no" yet... but my husband is actually my deterrent. I have to think "is he going to freak out when I say YES to this?"... LOL... it's because he knows I take on too much. He's the logical one that talks me down from stress and tries to help me only take on the amount of commitments that one human being can handle. Otherwise, I'll take on enough for 100 people and burn out faster than a dollar store tea light.
ReplyDeletePart of my New Year's resolution was to start taking things off my plate. I'm not teaching a class at my kids co-op school next year, I'm not going to head up the craft fair at school either. I've toned everything down and have finally given myself permission to throw things away. I hope with all the clutter gone I'll feel more calm and able to tackle the projects I want to focus on like my kids and my writing.
ReplyDeleteI'm awful, I avoid situations where I just know I'm going to have to say "NO". Hibernating really does work, but isn't very social!
ReplyDeleteThanks for this post! I'm in the second category, too, and it does get in the way of the writing. I've been making more of an effort to put writing first lately and do the other stuff afterward, but your index card idea is a good one.
ReplyDeleteThat's actually a VERY good trick! I need to try that sometime.
ReplyDeleteI don't have much trouble saying no. I have battled a lot of stiff in my life and have learnt that people will either accept and like me for me, even if I have to say no, or they won't. In which case they were never friends.
ReplyDeleteI love your card idea.
I love the idea to write the commitments on an index card. That's brilliant. My only trick to say I need to talk to my husband... he's good at keeping me in line.
ReplyDeleteFaith: Too funny about the dollar store tea light! I can relate! And I love the idea of using your husband to help. Great plan!
ReplyDeleteTana: (It's so fun writing "Tana"!) Good plan. For everything a season, and now your season is to focus more on your writing career!
Eileen: Funny! Another good way to say "no" is to hibernate. Love it!
Erin T: Welcome! I have to prioritize to get my writing first in my day too.
Steph: Try it--it works!
Tabitha: You're no pushover!
Erin M: Great way to diffuse the situation. "I need to talk to my husband." Nice tip!
Thanks so much for stopping by!
Love this! It's good to set healthy boundaries. Chaos can ensue otherwise. :)
ReplyDeleteBlessings,
Karen
Recently I was asked to be an elder at my church. I said yes, but gave my pastor a list of the reasons why it was going to be a challenge for me. He looked at me and said, "No is an okay answer." It was a revelation! So no, I won't be an elder. No, I'm not going to single-handedly plan a year of events for my women's group. No I can't adopt that sweet, adorable, homeless puppy right now (really? I can't? Stick to your guns . . .). No, I won't get involved with my local community group and then shortchange them because I'm too busy.
ReplyDeleteI love the idea of having a "maximum capacity." Saying "yes" now means I'd have to say "no" later--that'll make me think about a little harder!
Karen: Healthy boundaries--a great way to put it!
ReplyDeleteSarah: "No is an okay answer." It's like the heavens just opened up! Yes, it is an okay answer! Thank you!
Thanks so much for stopping by!