My favorite section in Entertainment Weekly Magazine is the book section. The January 14, 2011 issue reviewed Amy Chua's memoir, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother. Ms. Chua chronicles her decision to raise her two daughters in "the Chinese Way," a strict, success-oriented method of parenting.
The review intrigued me, but not enough to add it to my to-be-read list. Then last week, I noticed several retweets of a Wall Street Journal article, and I recognized the author as Amy Chua. I had to check it out.
The title of the article, "Why Chinese Mothers are Superior," (the article is linked if you're interested in reading it) instantly made me uncomfortable. It's like saying "why working mothers are better than stay-at-home mothers" or vice-versa. I'm not a fan of mommy wars of any type. Naturally, I clicked on the link and read the piece.
A few things struck me at once. This mother is on a mission to raise proficient children, and she's not afraid to be controversial to get her point across. You really have to read the article to believe it. I give her credit for her honesty, but I am too "western" to accept her methods.
There is a price for excellence. It's hard work, perseverance, and sticking with something even when it's hard. I don't mind working hard at my books, persevering through rough revising patches, and sticking with a project even when it's hard.
But there's also a price for expectations. Since I set my own expectations and my own goals, I want to reach my goal. It's deep within my soul. When children can have no expectations or goals of their own choosing, I wonder what the cost is to them? Do they want to reach their parents' goals? And if they do, is it to please their parents? To get them off their back? When they are adults, are they still living up to their parents' vision of what their lives should be?
I don't have the answer for that. I don't believe there is only one way to raise a child. God gave us our kids to be uniquely raised by us.
I'm happy to raise my kids in "the Western way." I expect them to get good grades, I expect them to be high achievers, but I also expect them to be in touch with their own desires and needs. One of the virtues of being raised in "the Western way" is that our kids are independent. They make up their own minds. They're creative, and if something sparks their interest, they'll spend hours and months and years of their lives dedicated to it--not because we forced them, but because they want to.
Do you get riled up when you read controversial titles? What about the price of excellence--do you think there can be positive and negative costs involved?
Have a great Monday!
Good post. I wouldn't say I get riled up, but it depends on the subject at hand. I think it's important to teach our children excellence. God blesses and honors hard work and diligence. It's how we teach our children excellence. Mostly it's not what they're taught, but what they caught. Am I doing everything in excellence? When they watch me, do they see me doing my very best. I encourage my children to do their best, but I also remind them that they're not perfect. I never expect perfect and neither does God. I expect an improved process once they learn from a mistake. A good healthy balance is the key. :) Happy Monday, Jill!
ReplyDeleteOkay, I'm going to be upset about that article all day. I had a big rant about it all ready, but don't want to offend anyone so I'll (try to) let it go. I am most definitely a western parent, yet I still strive to raise my kids to be successful. I just think all around my definition of successful is different than Amy Chua's.
ReplyDeleteIt makes me laugh. I know, this is why I'm odd. I don't laugh out of disrespect or anything like that, but it makes me think about the definition of excellence.
ReplyDeleteThat's all I'll say about that. ;)
~ Wendy
I try not to be angry over a differing view point than my own, and believe it's important to read idealogies that argue against what I believe. My hope is that my children feel an inner success derived from their convictions, not from idols of our material world. Good 'food for thought' post, Jill!
ReplyDeleteGotta agree with Wendy.
ReplyDeleteI also though think that teaching independent thinking is one of the great things about Western parenting. If I choose my children's dreams and goals, will they be capable of choosing their children's?
Great post!
My husband reads WSJ and told me about that article. I didn't get a chance to read it, but apparently a couple days ago they had a rebuttal article from the Western moms. It's on my TBR pile. :)
ReplyDeleteI, too, was intrigued and somewhat outraged by the Wall Street Journal article. So much so that I bought the book, LOL! (I think I will blog on it Wednesday.)
ReplyDeleteLet's just say that the WSJ cobbled together the most controversial lines in the book and it generated great publicity. In the book, Amy Chua comes across much more self-depricating and humorous than I would ever have thought from reading the snippets. In fact, the book is about her journey as a parent.
I completely agree with hard work and many of her premises, but I totally disagree with most of, if not the majority, of her methods.
I think it's a parent's duty to find what their children's talents are and them push them towards excellence. If my parents noticed that I was writing poetry when I was ten and had encouraged me, I might not be a 60-year-old yet to published author. YEAH! It's my mother's fault ! (just kidding) :)
ReplyDeleteI'm Chinese, raised by Chinese parents, and while I have not read this article, my grandma did and now she WON'T SHUT UP ABOUT IT. Blah blah this mother had an awesome style of parenting blah blah now all her kids are really rich blah blah. And then she told my parents that they should raise us the same way so that we would be successful.
ReplyDeleteWhat, so the fact that I probably won't be earning a six figure income in business means that I and my parents have failed? At this point I'm headed toward either a music career or a writing career, or both (which is probably more likely at this point). Neither is really known for bringing in the big bucks. Honestly, that insinuation angers me.
Because they're raising us Western right now, or whatever it is. I don't really like to attach a moniker to it.
I heard Chau's interview on NPR... I'm glad you wrote this post... and I liked reading the comments here.
ReplyDeleteI think parenting methods have to be adjusted for each family and each child. One way doesn't work for everyone. I am glad that my parents both gave me access to lessons and supplies for things I was interested in (dance, then books, art supplies, musical instruments) AND allowed me TIME to do "nothing" but whatever it was I wanted to do (within acceptable rules, of course). It isn't the regulated lessons that I remember fondly now, at 54, but the hours spent discovering, reading, drawing, crafting on my own or learning about the creative work of others that gives happiness to my memories.
Everyone must decide for themselves how to define a "successful life." I have been told often about families where the kids are expected to get no less than A's and do well in everything. But I think it is okay to explore things, to try things that you end up not being interested in, to be comfortable with being moderately good at playing the piano or drawing portraits. Not every activity has to result in dollars in a bank account.
I liked the comment about your children seeing excellence and learning by example. This is so true. It seems to me forcing a teenager to do anything is a recipe for disaster, far better to learn what the child loves and leans toward and then make every opportunity available to him/her in that area, but letting it be the child's journey, not the parent's.
Lots to think about here! Thank you for bringing this up!
Jessica: I love your thoughts on this, and I agree. My mom went back to college when I was in fourth grade, and watching her work so hard had a huge influence on my own work habits. Great attitude!
ReplyDeleteKelly: Good point. My idea of successful is different too, and acknowledging that makes it easier for me to accept other people's ideas of success.
Wendy: I like that your tolerance shines through. Beautiful!
Lynn: I agree. How can I sharpen my own faith if there is no opposing view? The good thing about Ms. Chua, is she's sparking conversations about parenting and the definition of success.
Bonnie: I've never thought of "if I choose my children's dreams and goals, will they be capable of choosing their children's?" but it's a terrific point. Thank you.
Sarah: I'm almost scared to read a rebuttal. I hope it doesn't get nasty!
Georgiana: Interesting. I'm glad the book portrays her better!
Em: It's always our mother's fault, right? :)
Abby: I'm very glad you chimed in. I'm sure it must be difficult for your parents to embrace a culture so different from their own, and I can sympathize with your grandmother too. But, your attitude--writing and music are your passion, not money--is exactly what I hope my own children have. Success is so much less about money than it is about living a moral, authentic life.
Janice: Welcome! Thank you for these great thoughts. I, too, cherish memories of reading, drawing, and dancing. They were my loves and they still are to this day.
Thank you all so much for stopping by and for your thoughtful comments!
I wouldn't expect parents from other cultures to parent like I do. We might not have perfect kids that bow to our every whim but they are strong and determined. I'll take that any day! Not that I can't always improve!
ReplyDeleteThe article did bring up some interesting points, but something that really bothered me is that squashing a child's choice--things they're interested and would like to be doing--was praised. I do believe in having high expectations of my children, but I also believe they are individual people with their own goals and motivations and dreams. My job isn't to choose for them, it's to help them gain the necessary tools to achieve them themselves.
ReplyDeleteI think you should write a blog post that says: "Why Mom's who are Writers are Superior" :)
ReplyDeletegreat post, Jill! I have no idea what the 'right' way to raise a child is...but I have an idea: it depends on the kid. There are children who react well to pressure and high stakes and who want a parent's direction 100%. Notice I didn't say 'need' a parent's direction. I also think there are many more children who won't thrive under that kind of pressure.
ReplyDeleteLaura: Nicely put. One thing I love about living in the United States is that there are so many cultures shoved together. Makes it easy to learn how other people live--and raise their kids!
ReplyDeleteDanyelle: I feel the same way. We only live once, and we're given unique talents and desires. I hope my kids honor both!
Jaime: Then I'd be a liar! :)
Kristi: I just don't believe there is one right way. It depends on the parent and the child. You said it well!
Thanks so much for stopping by!
Great insights. I agree! I want my kids to find their passions and believe in themselves as well as put in the effort. :D
ReplyDeleteI saw Amy Chua interviewed on TV. I know and admire quite a few Asian people, and am in awe of the musical abilities and academic achievements of several. But I won't be reading Ms. Chua's book. She made her parenting ideas clear in the interview and I don't need to read more to know it's not for me. Self-discipline is a wonderful quality but it doesn't seem logical that it can be drilled into a child and still leave them with a sense of joy. I want joy for my children -- joy and creativity, spontaneity, freedom to think for themselves -- yes I want them to be responsible, but self-motivated, not coerced. Surely we can encourage success-oriented attitudes without forceful methods.
ReplyDeleteSpeaking as someone who comes from a nearly identical background as Amy Chua's (immigrants from China), I almost did a post on it, but decided it would be too offensive. I didn't want to bring that kind of controversy to my writing blog.
ReplyDeleteMy opinion on Amy Chua is that she is irresponsible. Her parenting is her parenting, but she tries to justify it within a cultural context and I can guarantee you that she does not raise her children the way she does because she is Chinese, like she would have you believe. It's completely a personal thing. It makes me very angry that this memoir is coming out because I think it falsely represents Chinese values and centuries of Chinese culture, which ALWAYS emphasized creativity and innovation above everything else. The recent phenomenon of memorization-based education is economically driven, NOT culturally driven.
She also writes her book with a racial bent, which I not only find uncomfortable, but offensive. There are not only two schools of parenting, and Chinese and Western parents are not on opposite ends of the scale. Furthermore, she makes it seem as if Chinese people "love" their children differently. She is essentially "other-izing" us. She falsely quotes Confucian values to back up her parenting. Now, Westerners are going to pick up her book and automatically take everything she says about Chinese culture at face value.
I couldn't really care less about how she parents her children. But I do care that she is categorizing it as Chinese.
Like you, I haven't read the book, but I did read an interview with the author in our local paper. I felt uncomfortable with with I thought was her desire to raise performers rather than well-balanced people. I believe the drive has to come from inside.
ReplyDeleteI read that article and it reminded me of the book Outliers. I'd rather my kids have self esteem and self worth beyond any instrument, plus they won't need therapy. ;)
ReplyDeleteLisa G: I do too!
ReplyDeleteCarol G: Thank you for clarifying more, since I haven't read her book or seen her interview, I appreciate your thoughts here, and I am all for joy!
IcyRoses: I am very grateful you and Abby stopped by to add to the conversation. I'm not a fan of stereotypes and hope that anyone who reads either the article or Ms. Chua's book will come to the conclusion that she is a mother with her own way of doing things--not that she's representative of an entire nation's method of child-rearing.
Beth: You and me both. I can't force my kids to like salmon, but I can encourage them to try it!
T. Anne: Ha! Well, I'm already saving up for my kids' therapy. (I've scarred them for life on many occasions! At least, they think so, I'm sure!)
Thanks so much for stopping by!
I was not a fan of that article. Both as a mother and as a teacher. I don't believe in shaming children in an attempt to get better performance. It sort of broke my heart. I'm like you Jill. I'm too western, I guess. :)
ReplyDeleteGreat post and very interesting. I do tend to get riled up over certain issues. One of our reasons to homeschool was to help our children develop their natural strengths while being able to spend more time on theier weaknesses. Bottom line though for us is that our children develop into the adults they were meant to be. I'm just here to nurture and guide, but eventually it is a path they will embark upon on their own:)
ReplyDeleteGwynly taught at a high school in the San Francisco Bay area many years ago. There were 26 different native languages spoken in the students' homes. I worked as an aide at the school for a short time.
ReplyDeleteMany different cultures were represented, and we saw that though the methods of child rearing differed, the most important aspect of parenting was showing the young people that they were loved. When they knew their parents' motivation was love, they accepted the expectations placed on them. Though the methods used varied, the end result was the same: emotionally secure young people equipped for life as adults.
Jill:
ReplyDeleteI found the WSJ article and read it. One area that Chau doesn't take into account is the special needs child. Our son was born with a birth defect- basically a mobility issue. What would she have done had she had a mentally handicapped child?
Katie: Same here. Your students are lucky to have you.
ReplyDeleteKara: You made the right decision for your family, and I think that's what we all try to do--make the right decisions for our families. Nicely put.
Keli: What a unique experience your hubby had! And you're right--our goal as parents is to raise emotionally secure kids, no matter what method we choose. (Huge congrats on your book contract!!!)
QuietSpirit: I'm glad God sent your child to you--He knew you were the perfect mom to raise him.
Thank you so much for stopping by!
I must be so out of touch as I haven't read of her or heard of her. I do believe we each raise our children the best way we know how,the way we are most comfortable with. Already, I notice my daughter choosing different methods than I did with her son and yet still the core is there that we did with her. I wanted her to find who she was as a person, use the gifts God gave her and enjoy her life.
ReplyDeleteFascinating post, Jill. How to achieve the balance between supporting our children while not suffocating them with what we want as opposed to cultivating in them the desire and motivation to fully explore what they want.
ReplyDeleteI just saw something about this online; thanks for sharing your thoughts. I think excellence is something to strive for, however, with a wrong and Godless direction it can be for naught. I think we should look to Jesus for His example and trust for wisdom along these lines. Good post, thanks.
ReplyDeleteBlessings,
Karen
Terri: I love how you put this--you want her to find out who she is, use her God-given gifts, and enjoy life. Beautiful.
ReplyDeletePaul: Exactly, and I don't know if every parent worries, but I know I do. Am I pushing them hard enough? Too hard? Will they turn out to be moral, productive adults? It's tough!
Karen: I agree. Without God, what do we have? If I had a child who couldn't read, but trusted in God, I would be a successful mother. It's all about God.
Thanks so much for stopping by!
Oh my yes. Articles on politics get me riled up all the time. I have to consciously take a break from reading them.
ReplyDeleteI heard Amy Chua being interviewed on NPR, but I haven't read anything else on the subject. Have to admit, though, that I'm not a fan of her parenting style. But that's just me.
Jill:
ReplyDeleteThank you for your kind thought. He recently turned 40.
Melissa: I usually have a gut reaction and then try to figure out why it bothers me! Sounds like we're alike!
ReplyDeleteQuiet Spirit: How wonderful!! Happy birthday to him!
Thanks so much for stopping by!
I agree with you. I don't think there is only one way to raise children. Each child has different problems and needs. Sounds like a book to avoid. Thanks for the heads up.
ReplyDeleteI do... I like catchy titles, but not at the cost of possible offense.
ReplyDeleteMy sons (in their twenties) asked me if I had heard about this. Then they went to my laptop, found it and read it aloud to me.
ReplyDeleteThey were incensed by what she had done to her child and that she was in the position she holds.
I found it painful to hear. But I thought my sons' reactions were very interesting. We should give the next generation more credit than we do.
Hi Jill -
ReplyDeleteWhile I'm not a mom, I don't think of child-rearing in terms of any ethnic style. We dedicate our children to the Lord and promise to raise them in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.
There's more to life than making a lot of money. First of all, I'd want them to have a solid relationship with Jesus. Scripture talks about excellence, but forcing your aspirations on a child doesn't give them room to develop the giftings God put within them. It's more important that they do His will, not ours.
Blessings,
Susan :)
I heard about this on the news. What would it matter if kids are excellent, but unhappy? And shouldn't parenting be a joy? If I worried about raising perfect kids, the joy would be sucked out of it. I'm happy. Our kids are happy. That has to count for something!
ReplyDeleteKathi: One of the commenters read the book and found it to be humorous. You never know!
ReplyDeleteKristen: Same here. I don't like polarizing anyone.
Cassandra: Oh, your sweet boys! They're going to make great husbands!
Susan JR: I agree. Rather than Chinese or Western, we should focus on raising them Christian.
Julie: Yes, that's how I feel too! Life's too short for anything else!
Thanks so much for stopping by!